My Stupid Acts

Posts Tagged ‘wife’

There was a man who worked all of his life and saved all of his money. He was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, “Now listen, when I die, I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. I wanna take my money to the afterlife.”
So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all the money in the casket with him.
Well, one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black next to her closest friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said “Wait just a minute!”
She had a shoe box with her, she came over with the box and placed it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away. Her friend said, “I hope you weren’t crazy enough to put all that money in the casket.”
“Yes,” the wife said, “I promised. I’m a good Christian, I can’t lie. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him.”
“You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?”
“I sure did. I got it all together, put it into my account and I wrote him a check.”

A Bus Full Of House Wives Met
An Accident And All The Ladies Died.

Husbands Cried For A Week.

A Man Was Still Found Crying Even After 2 Weeks, Because
.
.
“His Wife Had Missed The Bus”

Starting the day with a conversation between a wife and a husband who happens to be a software engineer.

Husband: (Returning late from work) “Good Evening Dear, I’m now logged in.”

Wife: Have you brought the grocery?

Husband: Bad command or file name.

Wife: But I told you in the morning

Husband: Erroneous syntax. Abort?

Wife: What about my new TV?

Husband: Variable not found…

Wife: At least, give me your Credit Card, I want to do some shopping.

Husband: Sharing Violation. Access denied…

Wife: Do you love me or do you only love computers or are you just being funny?

Husband: Too many parameters…

Wife: It was a great mistake that I married an idiot like you.

Husband: Data type mismatch.

Wife: You are useless.

Husband: It’s by Default.

Wife: What about your Salary?

Husband: File in use… Try after some time.

Wife: What is my value in the family.

Husband: Unknown Virus.

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. Levitra prescription He said, “Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. Viagra prescription If you don’t do the following, your husband will surely die.”

“E ach morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Purchase viagra Don’t burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don’t discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly…make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.”

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, “What did the doctor say?”

Monday:
Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home.
It’s fun to cook for Tim. Today I made an angel food cake and the recipe said, “beat 12 eggs separately.” Well, I didn’t have enough bowls to do that, so I had to borrow 12 bowls to beat the eggs in. The cake turned out fine though. Viagra prescription Purchase viagra

Tuesday:
We wanted a fruit salad for supper. The recipe said, “serve without dressing.” So I didn’t dress. But Tim happened to bring a friend home for supper that night. They both looked so startled when I served them, I think it was the salad.

Wednesday:
I decided to serve rice and found a recipe which said, “wash thoroughly before steaming the rice.” So I heated some water and took a bath before steaming the rice. Levitra prescription Sounded kinda silly in the middle of the day. I can’t say it improved the rice anyhow.

Thursday:
Today Tim asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe.
It said, prepare ingredients,
then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving.” I hunted all over the place for a garden and when I got one, I tossed my salad into the bed of lettuce and stood over there for over one hour so the dog would not take it. Tim came over and asked if I felt all right.I wonder why? He must be stressed at work, I’ll try to be supportive.

Friday:
Today I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said, “put all ingredients in a bowl and beat it.” Beat it I did, to my mum’s place. There must have been something wrong with the recipe, because when I came back home again, it looked the same as when I left it.

Saturday:
Tim went shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I’m sure I don’t know how hens dress for

Sunday. I never noticed back on the farm, but I found an old doll dress and it’s little cute shoes. I thought the hen looked really cute. When Tim saw it, he started counting to ten. Either he was really
stressed because of his work, or he wanted the chicken to dance.
When I asked him what was wrong he started crying and shouting out “why me? why me ?”
Hmmm….It must be his job

A drunk in a bar pukes all over his own shirt, which was brand new before he came in. “Damn,” he says. “I puked on my shirt again. Purchase viagra If the wife finds out, she’s gonna kill me.”

“Not to worry,” says the bartender as he sticks a $20 bill in the drunk’s pocket. “Just tell her someone puked on you and gave you some cash to cover the cleaning bill.”

So the drunk goes home and tells his wife about the guy who puked on him. Levitra prescription Viagra prescription She reaches into his pocket and finds two twenties. “Why are there two twenties?” she asks.

The drunk replies, “Oh, yeah, he crapped in my pants, too.”

A couple went to a doctor because the man was feeling down, tired all the time. Purchase viagra The doctor said I will give a shot of vitamins, a prescription for some pep pills from the drugstore, and Levitra prescription an empty jar for checking your sperm count – bring it back in next week so I can check it. Viagra prescription When the guy came back to the doctor, the doctor said “Why, this jar is empty, I told you I needed to do a sperm count.” The guy said, ” I tried with my left hand, I tried with my right hand, my wife tried with her left hand and she also tried with her right hand, she even tried with her teeth. We could not get that jar open!”