My Stupid Acts

Posts Tagged ‘sex’

1. You can GET chocolate.

2. Chocol ate Purchase viagra satisfies even when it has gone soft.

3. You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.

4. You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.

5. You can have chocolate even in front of your mother. Viagra prescription

6. If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won’t mind.

7. Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.

8. The word “commitment” doesn’t scare off chocolate.

9. You can have chocolate on your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your co-workers.

10. You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped. Levitra prescription

11. With chocolate there’s no need to fake it.

12. Chocolate doesn’t make you pregnant.

13. You can have chocolate at any time of the month.

14. Good chocolate is easy to find.

15. You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.

16. You are never too young or too old for chocolate.

17. When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake.

18. With chocolate size doesn’t matter.

A couple went to a doctor because the man was feeling down, tired all the time. Purchase viagra The doctor said I will give a shot of vitamins, a prescription for some pep pills from the drugstore, and Levitra prescription an empty jar for checking your sperm count – bring it back in next week so I can check it. Viagra prescription When the guy came back to the doctor, the doctor said “Why, this jar is empty, I told you I needed to do a sperm count.” The guy said, ” I tried with my left hand, I tried with my right hand, my wife tried with her left hand and she also tried with her right hand, she even tried with her teeth. We could not get that jar open!”

When you are dating….. Farting is never an issue.

When you are married ….You make sure there’s nothing flammable near your husband at all times.

When you are dating….. He takes you out to have a good time.

When you are married ….He brings home a 6 pack, and says “What are you going to drink?”

When you are dating….. He holds your hand in public.

When you are married ….He flicks your ear in public.

When you are dating….. A Single bed for 2 isn’t THAT bad.

When you are married ….A King size bed feels like an army cot.

When you are dating….. You are turned on at the sight of him naked.

When you are married ….You think to yourself “Was he ALWAYS this hairy????”

When you are dating….. You enjoyed foreplay.

When you are married ….You tell him “If we have sex, will you leave me alone???”

When you are dating….. He hugs you, when he walks by you for no reason. Purchase viagra

When you are married ….He grabs your boob any chance he gets.

When you are dating….. You picture the two of you together, growing old together.

When you are married ….You wonder who will die first. Viagra prescription

When you are dating….. Just looking at him makes you feel all “mushy.”

When you are married ….When you look at him, you want to claw his eyes out.

When you are dating….. He knows what the “hamper” is.

When you are married ….The floor will suffice as a dirty clothes storage area.

When you are dating….. He understands if you “Aren’t in the mood.”

When you are married ….He says “It’s your job.”

When you are dating….. He understands that you have “male” friends.

When you are married ….He thinks they are all out to steal you away.

When you are dating….. He likes to “discuss” things.

When you are married ….He develops a “blank” stare.

When you are dating….. He calls you by name. Levitra prescription

When you are married ….He calls you “Hey” and refers to you when speaking to others as “She.”

After a night on the town, a young woman brought a new friend home for a late-night drink. “you can’t make any noise,” she warned him. “my parents are upstairs and if they find out they’ll kill us.”

things started getting heated on the s ofa, but after a while alcohol got the better Viagra prescription of the man. “i have to go,” he said.

“well you can’t go upstairs. Levitra prescription Purchase viagra the bathroom is right next to my parents’ bedroom,” she replied. “use the kitchen sink.”

so he dutifully retired to the kitchen. a few minutes later, he popped his head around the door and asked, “do you have any toilet paper, or should i just use a paper towel?”

things that are difficult to say when you’re drunk:

indubitably

innovative

preliminary

cinnamon

things that are very difficult to say when you’re drunk:

specificity

british

constitution

passive-aggressive disorder

loquacious

transubstantiate

things that are downright impossible to say when you’re drunk:

thanks, but i don’t want to have sex

nope, no more booze for me

sorry, but you’re not really my type

good evening officer, isn’t it lovely out tonight

oh, i just couldn’t. no one wants to hear me sing

The bride tells her husband, “Honey, you know I’m a virgin and I don’ t know
any Viagra prescription thing about sex. Can you explain it to me first?”

“OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place ‘the
prison’ and call my private thing ‘the prisoner’. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, “Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped.”

Turning on his side, he smiles. “Then we will have to re-imprison him.”

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, “Honey, the prisoner is out again!”

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal. Purchase viagra

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted. Levitra prescription

She nudges him and says, “Honey, the prisoner escaped again.”

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, “Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!

A blonde thinks of doing some business and produce something from her labor. She plans a chicken farm and buys a hundred Levitra prescription chickens to get it running. A month later, she returns to the dealer to get another hundred chickens because the first lot has died. Viagra prescription Another month passes and she’s back at the dealer for another hundred chickens. Purchase viagra
The dealer could not stop asking her what she does with so many chickens, and is there any problem.
The blonde said, “I think I know where I’m going wrong. I’m planting them too deep.”