My Stupid Acts

Posts Tagged ‘money’

There was a man who worked all of his life and saved all of his money. He was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, “Now listen, when I die, I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. I wanna take my money to the afterlife.”
So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all the money in the casket with him.
Well, one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black next to her closest friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said “Wait just a minute!”
She had a shoe box with her, she came over with the box and placed it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away. Her friend said, “I hope you weren’t crazy enough to put all that money in the casket.”
“Yes,” the wife said, “I promised. I’m a good Christian, I can’t lie. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him.”
“You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?”
“I sure did. I got it all together, put it into my account and I wrote him a check.”

Six girls are on vacation without their boyfriends. They are walking on a beach when they are attracted to the sight of a beautiful six-storey hotel.
Wishing to check in immediately, they walk in. Levitra prescription They are greeted by a charming hotel manager who tells them: “Go up to each storey and you will see a sign. If you like what it says, we’ll put you up there.”
So the six girlfriends take the lift to the floor above, where they see this sign: “All the men here have no money, and are short and ugly.” The girlfriends laugh and move off.
On the next storey, they are met by this sign: “All the men here have money, but are short and plain.” The girls continue on their way. Viagra prescription
At the third level, they see this sign: “All the men here have money, and are tall but ugly.” The girls smile and move on. Purchase viagra
On the fourth floor, the sign says: “All the men here have money, and are tall and handsome.” This excites the girls and they are about to go get registered when they remember that there is one more storey above. So they head up there.
At the top, they see this big sign: “There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is just no way to please a woman.”

A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, “Want to hear an account Viagra prescription ant joke?” The guy next to him replies, “Well, before you tell that joke, you should know that I m 6 Levitra prescription feet tall, 200 pounds, and I m an accountant. And the guy sitting next to me is 6 2? tall, 225 pounds, and he’s an accountant. Now, do you still want to tell that joke?” The first guy says, “No, I don’t want to have to explain it two times.”

Have you ever had one of those customer service calls where you find yourself saying things you don’t believe?

This is so priceless….and so easy to see happening, given the state of customer service these days….

My Aunt passed away this past January. Levitra prescription Purchase viagra Her bank billed her for February and March Viagra prescription for their monthly service charge on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00, but had now grown to somewhere around $60.00.

I placed the following phone call to the bank:

Me: “I am calling to tell you that she died in January.”

Bank: “The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.”

Me: “Maybe, you should turn it over to collections…”

Bank: “Since it is two months past due, it already has been.”

Me: “So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?”

Bank: “Either report her account to the frauds division, or report her to the credit bureau…maybe both!”

Me: “Do you think God will be mad at her?”

Bank:”Do I think God… excuse me, what did you say?”

Me: “Do you understand what I was telling you… specifically the part about her being… dead?”

Bank: “Sir, you’ll have to speak to my supervisor!”

(Supervisor gets on the phone)

Me: “I’m calling to tell you, she deceased in January.”

Bank: “The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.”

Me: “You mean you want to collect from her estate?”

Bank: “…..(stammer)” …. “Are you her lawyer?”

Me: “No, I’m her great nephew, but feel free to contact her lawyer at: XXX”

Bank: “Could you fax us a certificate of death?”

Me: “Sure.”

( Later, After they have gotten the fax. )

Bank: “Our system just isn’t setup to handle this…”

Me: “Oh…”

Bank: “I don’t know what more I can do to help…”

Me: “Well… if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her… I suppose…don’t really think she will care….”

Bank: “Well…the late fees and charges do still apply.”

Me: “Would you like her new billing address?”

Bank: “That might help.”

Me: “Fredrickson Memorial Cemetery, Hwy 19 and plot number 233.”

Bank: “Sir, that’s a cemetery!”

Me: “Yes sir, that’s what we do with our departed loved ones.”

After many years of hard work, Joe rewarded himself with a long, luxurious stay at an exclusive Carribean resort. Viagra prescription

While relaxing on the beach, he was surprised to see a former high school classmate who he hadn’t seen since they graduated. His old friend had been something of a “burnout” in high school, and this was the last place Joe expected to see him.

Joe approached the man, and seized his hand. “Pete, it’s Joe. From high school. It’s sure been a long time. You look great! Purchase viagra You must really be doing okay for yourself.”

“I am,” whispered Pete. “I am a partner with a very successful law firm. But don’t tell mother. Levitra prescription She got the idea that I was a drug dealer back when I was in high school, and she would be terribly disappointed if she figured out how I really make my money.”

A man woke up in a hospital bed and called for his doctor. He asked ” Give it to me straight, doc. Purchase viagra How long have I got?”

T he physician replied that Levitra prescription he doubted that his patient would survive the night. The man then said “Call for my lawyer.”

When his lawyer arrived, the man asked for his physician to stand on one side of the bed, while the lawyer stood on the other. Viagra prescription The man then laid back and closed his eyes.

When the man remained silent for several minutes, the lawyer asked what he had in mind. The man replied “Jesus died with a thief on either side, and I thought I’d check out the same way.”