My Stupid Acts

Posts Tagged ‘marriage’

A very traditional elderly woman was enjoying a good game of bridge with her girlfriends one evening. Viagra prescription “Oh, no! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband! He’s going to really ticked if it’s not ready on time!” she exclaimed suddenly.

When she got home, she realized that she didn’t have enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she had in the cupboard was a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opened the can of cat food, stirred in the egg, and garnished it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband pulled up.

She greeted her husband and then watched in horror as he sat down to his dinner. To her surprise, the husband really enjoyed his dinner. “Darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day.”

Needless to say, every bridge night from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish. Levitra prescription She told her bridge cronies about it and they were all horrified.

“You’re going to kill him!” they exclaimed.

Two months later, her husband died.

The women were sitting around the table playing bridge when one of the cronies said, “You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your husband?”

The wife stoically replied, “I didn’ t kill him. Purchase viagra He fell off the mantel while he was licking his butt.”

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, “What are the grounds for your divorce?”

She replied, “About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.”

“No,” he said, “I mean what is the foundation of this case?”

“It is made of concrete, brick and mortar,” she responded.

“I mean,” he continued, “What are your relations like?”

“I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband’s parents.”

The judge said, “Do you have a real grudge?”

“No,” she replied, “We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one.”

“Please,” he tried again, “is there any infidelity in your marriage?”

“Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. Viagra prescription Purchase viagra We don’t necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes.”

“Ma’am, does Levitra prescription your husband ever beat you up?”

“Yes,” she responded, “about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do.”

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, “Lady, why do you want a divorce?”

“Oh, I don’t want a divorce,” she replied. “I’ve never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can’t communicate with me.”

A man and his wife were on their honeymoon. The husband took off his pants and handed them to his wife.

“See if they fit.”

“They don’t.”

“Now you see who will wear the pants in this house.” She thought a little while, Levitra prescription and took off her panties and asked him to try them on. Viagra prescription Purchase viagra

“I can’t get into these.”

“And you won’t, either, with that attitude.”

A married couple went to the hospital together to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother’s labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the knob to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.

But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer.

The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband’s blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this, they decided to try for 50 percent. Viagra prescription The husband continued to feel quite well.

Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, he encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husb Levitra prescription and were ecstatic.

When they arrived home, the mailman was dead on their porch. Purchase viagra

When you are dating….. Farting is never an issue.
When you are married ….You make sure there’s nothing flammable near your husband at all
times.
When you are dating….. He takes you out to have a good time.
When you are married ….He brings home a 6 pack, and says “What are you going to
drink?”
When you are dating….. He holds your hand in public.
When you are married ….He flicks your ear in public.
When you are dating….. A Single bed for 2 isn’t THAT bad.
When you are married ….A King size bed feels like an army cot.
When you are dating….. You are turned on at the sight of him naked.
When you are married ….You think to yourself “Was he ALWAYS this hairy????”
When you are dating….. You enjoyed foreplay.
When you are married ….You tell him “If we have sex, will you leave me alone???”
When you are dating….. He hugs you, when he walks by you for no reason.
When you are married ….He grabs your boob any chance he gets.
When you are dating….. You picture the two of you together, growing old together.
When you are married ….You wonder who will die first.
When you are dating….. Just looking at him makes you feel all “mushy.”
When you are married ….When you look at him, Levitra prescription you want to claw his eyes out.
When you are dating….. He knows what the “hamper” is.
When you are married ….The floor will suffice as a dirty clothes storage area. Viagra prescription Purchase viagra
When you are dating….. He understands if you “Aren’t in the mood.”
When you are married ….He says “It’s your job.”
When you are dating….. He understands that you have “male” friends.
When you are married ….He thinks they are all out to steal you away.
When you are dating….. He likes to “discuss” things.
When you are married ….He develops a “blank” stare.
When you are dating….. He calls you by name.
When you are married ….He calls you “Hey” and refers to you when speaking to
others as “She.”

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, “Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin.” “What?” said the puzzled groom. “How can that be if you’ve been married ten times?” “Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn’t get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver. Levitra prescription

Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing; although he h Purchase viagra ad a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it. Viagra prescription

Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was… God! I miss him! But now that I’ve married you, I’m really excited!”

“Good,” said the new husband, “but, why?” “You’re a lawyer. This time I know I’m gonna get screwed!”

“I don’t worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.”
Sam Kinison

“There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage.”
James Holt McGavran

“I’ve had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn’t.”
Patrick Murray

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Purchase viagra Whenever you’re wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you’re right, shut up.
Nash

The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once… Anonymous

You know what I did before I married?
Anything I wanted to.
Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.
Milton Berl

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with Levitra prescription the enemy. Viagra prescription
Anonymous

A man inserted an ‘ad’ in the classifieds: “Wife wanted”. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: “You can have mine.”
Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): “My wife’s an angel!”
Second Guy “You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.”