My Stupid Acts

Archive for the ‘Reality Jokes’ Category

After a night on the town, a young woman brought a new friend home for a late-night drink. “you can’t make any noise,” she warned him. “my parents are upstairs and if they find out they’ll kill us.”

things started getting heated on the s ofa, but after a while alcohol got the better Viagra prescription of the man. “i have to go,” he said.

“well you can’t go upstairs. Levitra prescription Purchase viagra the bathroom is right next to my parents’ bedroom,” she replied. “use the kitchen sink.”

so he dutifully retired to the kitchen. a few minutes later, he popped his head around the door and asked, “do you have any toilet paper, or should i just use a paper towel?”

A married couple went to the hospital together to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother’s labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the knob to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.

But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer.

The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband’s blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this, they decided to try for 50 percent. Viagra prescription The husband continued to feel quite well.

Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, he encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husb Levitra prescription and were ecstatic.

When they arrived home, the mailman was dead on their porch. Purchase viagra

things that are difficult to say when you’re drunk:

indubitably

innovative

preliminary

cinnamon

things that are very difficult to say when you’re drunk:

specificity

british

constitution

passive-aggressive disorder

loquacious

transubstantiate

things that are downright impossible to say when you’re drunk:

thanks, but i don’t want to have sex

nope, no more booze for me

sorry, but you’re not really my type

good evening officer, isn’t it lovely out tonight

oh, i just couldn’t. no one wants to hear me sing

A man was wandering around in a field, thinking about how good his wife had been to him and how fortunate he was to have her.

He asked God, “Why did you make her so kind-hearted?”
The Lord responded, “So you could love her, my son.”
“Why did you make her so good-looking?”
“So you could love her, my son.”
“Why did you make her such a good cook?”
“So you could love her, my son.”

The man thought about this. Levitra prescription Viagra prescription Purchase viagra Then he said, “I don’t mean to seem ungrateful or anything, but … why did you make her so stupid?”

“So she could love you, my son.”

It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the defendant, Levitra prescription “What are you charged with?”

“Doing my Christmas shopping early sir”, replied the defendant.

“Well that’s not an crime”, said the judge! Purchase viagra “How early were you doing this shopping?”

“Before the store opened”, answered the prisoner. Viagra prescription

A life long supporter of the labour party was lying on his death bed when he suddenly decided to join the Tory Levitra prescription party. Viagra prescription Purchase viagra

“But why?” asked his puzzled friend, “You’re labour through and through … Why change now?”

The man leaned forward and explained: “Well, I’d rather it was one of them that died and not one of us.”

An Englishman went to Spain on a fishing trip. He hired a Spanish guide to help him find the best fishing spots. Since t he Englishman was learning Spanish, Purchase viagra he asked the guide to speak to him in Spanish and to correct any mistakes of usage. Levitra prescription They were hiking on a mountain trail when a very large, purple and blue fly crossed their path. Viagra prescription The Englishmen pointed at the insect with his fishing rod, and said, “Mira el mosca!” The guide, sensing a teaching opportunity, replied, “No, senor, ‘la mosca’… es feminina.”

The Englishman looked at him, then back at the fly, and then said, “Good heavens… you must have incredibly good eyesight.”