My Stupid Acts

Archive for the ‘Funny Stories’ Category

A married couple was invited to a Halloween party. That night, as they were getting ready to go out, the wife said she had developed a migraine headache and had to stay home. Viagra prescription Purchase viagra She told her husband to go to the party without her. Levitra prescription ‘Don’t let me spoil a good time for you,’ she said. After further discussion, the husband put his costume on and went to the party. The wife took some aspirin and went to bed.

After sleeping for a while, she woke feeling much better and decided to go to the party and surprise her husband. As she was getting ready, she thought to herself, ‘I wonder what my husband really does when I’m not around.’ She then got into a different costume, so her husband wouldn’t recognize her, and went to the party. Getting there, she stood off to the side and watched. There was her husband dancing with one girl after another and getting very physical with them. She decided to see just how far he would go. She went up to him and started dancing with him, got very close and whispered that they should go outside.

Going to one of the cars, they made love. Prior to the midnight unmasking, she left and went home to wait for her husband to return so she could confront him. He arrived home about 1:00 a.m. and climbed into bed. She sat up and asked ‘Well, how was the party?’

He replied, ‘It was no fun without you honey.’

She said, ‘I don’t believe you. I bet you had lots of fun!’

He replied, ‘Really, Honey. When I got to the party, some of the guys and I got bored and we went downstairs and played poker all night.

But you know, that guy I loaned my costume to had one hell of a great time.’

In light of the rising frequency of human-grizzly bear conflicts, the Alaska Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert for bears while in the field.

We advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears that aren’ t expec ting them. Levitra prescription We also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear.

It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity. Viagra prescription Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings. Black bear droppings are smaller and contain lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear droppings have little bells in it and smells like pepper. Purchase viagra

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, “What are the grounds for your divorce?”

She replied, “About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.”

“No,” he said, “I mean what is the foundation of this case?”

“It is made of concrete, brick and mortar,” she responded.

“I mean,” he continued, “What are your relations like?”

“I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband’s parents.”

The judge said, “Do you have a real grudge?”

“No,” she replied, “We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one.”

“Please,” he tried again, “is there any infidelity in your marriage?”

“Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. Viagra prescription Purchase viagra We don’t necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes.”

“Ma’am, does Levitra prescription your husband ever beat you up?”

“Yes,” she responded, “about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do.”

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, “Lady, why do you want a divorce?”

“Oh, I don’t want a divorce,” she replied. “I’ve never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can’t communicate with me.”

A couple of blond men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard.    One of the blond men walked in the office and said, “We need some four-by- twos.”

The clerk said, “You mean two-by-fours, don’t you?”

The man said, “I’ll go check,” and went back to the truck.    He returned a minute later and said, “Yeah, I meant two-by-fours.”

“All right.    How long do you need them?”

The customer paused for a minute and said, “I’d better go check.”

After a while, the customer returned to the office and said, ” A long time. Levitra prescription Viagra prescription Purchase viagra    We’re gonna build a house.”

A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde were on their way to Heaven. God told them that the stairway to Heaven was 1000 steps, and that on every 5th step He would tell them a joke. Purchase viagra He told them not to laugh at any of the jokes along the way or else they would not be able to enter Heaven. The brunette went first and started laughing on the 45th step, so she could not enter Heaven. The redhead went next and started laughing on the 200th step, so she could not enter Heaven either. Viagra prescription Then, it was the blonde’s turn. When she got to the 999th step, she started laughing. Levitra prescription “Why are you laughing?” God asked. “I didn’t tell a joke.” “I know,” the blonde replied. “I just got the first joke.”

- You work 200 hours for the $100 bonus check and jubilantly say “Oh wow, thanks!”

- Dilbert cartoons hang outside every cube.

- When workers screw up they are transferred to another office to be someone else’s problem; when management screws up they are promoted.

- Your boss’ favorite lines are “when you get a few minutes,” “in your spare time,” “when you’re freed up” and “I have an opportunity for you to excel.”

- Training is something spoken about but never seen.

- Vacation is something you roll over to next year. Purchase viagra

- No travel money to do the mission, but always enough money for another useless conference. Viagra prescription

- Change is the norm.

- Organizational direction changes every 2 or 3 years.

- The worst possible reputation comes from being the initiator of a complaint.

- You only have makeup for fluorescent lighting.

- You can name more Government employees that used to work with you than the ones you work directly with in your current position. Levitra prescription

A student at an English university, by name of Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye, was living in the hall of residence during his first year.

After he had been there for a month, his mother came to visit, no doubt carrying reinforcements of oatmeal. Levitra prescription

“And how do you find the English students, Donald?” she asked.

“Mother,” he replied, “They’ re such terrible noisy people! Viagra prescription The one on that side keeps banging his head against the wall, and won’t stop.

The one on the other side screams and screams and screams away into the night!”

“Oh, Donald! How ever do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English neighbours?”

“Mother, I do nothing, I just ignore them! Purchase viagra I just stay here quietly playing my bagpipes!”