My Stupid Acts

Archive for the ‘Funny Stories’ Category

A drunk in a bar pukes all over his own shirt, which was brand new before he came in. “Damn,” he says. “I puked on my shirt again. Purchase viagra If the wife finds out, she’s gonna kill me.”

“Not to worry,” says the bartender as he sticks a $20 bill in the drunk’s pocket. “Just tell her someone puked on you and gave you some cash to cover the cleaning bill.”

So the drunk goes home and tells his wife about the guy who puked on him. Levitra prescription Viagra prescription She reaches into his pocket and finds two twenties. “Why are there two twenties?” she asks.

The drunk replies, “Oh, yeah, he crapped in my pants, too.”

An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship‚ holding her hat on tightly so that it wouldn’t blow off in the w Levitra prescription ind. Viagra prescription

A gentleman approached her and said: “Pardon me‚ madam. I do not intend to be forward‚ but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?”

“Yes‚ I know‚” said the lady‚ “I need both hands to hold onto this hat.”

“But‚ madam‚ you must know that your privates are exposed!” said the gentleman in earnest. Purchase viagra

The woman looked down‚ then back up at the man and replied‚ “Sir‚ anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!”

1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.

2. You haven’t played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don’t have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your mobile phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the shopping.

7. Every commerci al on television h Levitra prescription as a web site at the bottom of the screen

8. Purchase viagra Leaving the house without your mobile phone, which you didn’t even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go home and get it !!

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your tea or coffee

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. Viagra prescription : )

12 You’re reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message to.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn’t a #9 on this list !!

A very traditional elderly woman was enjoying a good game of bridge with her girlfriends one evening. Viagra prescription “Oh, no! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband! He’s going to really ticked if it’s not ready on time!” she exclaimed suddenly.

When she got home, she realized that she didn’t have enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she had in the cupboard was a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opened the can of cat food, stirred in the egg, and garnished it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband pulled up.

She greeted her husband and then watched in horror as he sat down to his dinner. To her surprise, the husband really enjoyed his dinner. “Darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day.”

Needless to say, every bridge night from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish. Levitra prescription She told her bridge cronies about it and they were all horrified.

“You’re going to kill him!” they exclaimed.

Two months later, her husband died.

The women were sitting around the table playing bridge when one of the cronies said, “You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your husband?”

The wife stoically replied, “I didn’ t kill him. Purchase viagra He fell off the mantel while he was licking his butt.”

A blonde made several attempts to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems finding a buyer because the car had 340,000 miles on it. Purchase viagra She discussed her problem with a brunette that she worked with at a bar. The brunette suggested, “There may be a chance to sell that car easier, but it’s not going to be legal.” “That doesn’t matter at all,” replied the blonde. “All that matters it that I am able to sell this car.” “Alright,” replied the brunette. Viagra prescription In a quiet voice, she told the blonde: “Here is the address of a friend Levitra prescription of mine. He owns a car repair shop around here. Tell him I sent you, and he will turn the counter back on your car to 40,000 miles. Then it shouldn’t be a problem to sell your car.” The following weekend, the blonde took a trip to the mechanic on the brunette’s advice. About one month after that, the brunette saw the blonde and asked, “Did you sell your car?” “No!” replied the blonde. “Why should I? It only has 40,000 miles on it.”

A bachelor who lived at home with his mother and pet cat went on a trip to Europe. Before he left he told his best friend to inform him of any emergencies. Purchase viagra

A few days after his departure, his cat climbed up on the roof, fell off and was killed. Viagra prescription His friend immediately wired him with the message: “Your cat died!”

In a few hours he was back home, having cut short his trip in grief and anger at his friend, whom he told “Why didn’t you break the news to me gradually ? You know how close I was to my cat! You could have sent a message ‘Your cat climbed up on the roof today’, and the next day you could’ve written, ‘Your cat fell off the roof’ and let me down slowly that he died.”

After a quick memorial service, the bachelor left again to continue his trip. Levitra prescription A few days later he returned to his hotel and there was a message waiting for him from his friend. It read, “Your mother climbed up on the roof today.”

1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.

2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and both lids lifted.

3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. Levitra prescription

Note: You may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape. Viagra prescription

CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body
too close to the edge, as his paws will be
reaching out for any surface they can find.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a “power wash and rinse” which I have found to be quite effective.

6. Have someone to open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he Purchase viagra will dry himself.

Sincerely,
the Dog